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August 23, 2022
Jesse Leon's Playlist for His Memoir "I'm Not Broken"
In the Book Notes series, authors create and discuss a music playlist that relates in some way to their recently published book.
Previous contributors include Jesmyn Ward, Lauren Groff, Bret Easton Ellis, Celeste Ng, T.C. Boyle, Dana Spiotta, Amy Bloom, Aimee Bender, Roxane Gay, and many others.
Jesse Leon's I'm Not Broken is a powerful memoir about the strength of resilience.
Publishers Weekly wrote of the book:
"A staggering tale of survival . . . Leon’s story of resilience pulsates with verve and breathtaking grace. The result is a gripping portrait of perseverance that radiates with humanity."
In his own words, here is Jesse Leon's Book Notes music playlist for his memoir I'm Not Broken:
My memoir, I’m Not Broken, has so many memorable moments connected to music. I am glad I was invited to participate because as I writing I would play songs from the time to encourage me to keep on writing. Some songs have deep family significance bringing back memories of innocent times filled with laughter and family unity on both sides of the US-Mexico border. Other songs gave me hope during moments of despair, sadness, and deep pain. I’ve listed the songs in order as if to accompany the reader to enjoy the journey with me.
When I think of an opening song for my memoir, I envision myself opening the cover and hearing the voices of Native women, like those of my ancestors, flowing out from the pages of the book, surrounding me with love, light, and strength. The drums and voices of Ulali, singing the song called Mother, brings me comfort and joy, mixed with determination and perseverance. It honors the powerful blood of the women ancestors coursing through my veins accompanied by the rhythm of the drums. When my memoir becomes a movie or a TV series, I would love this song, Mother by Ulali to be the opening song.
Rapper's Delight by the Sugar Hill Gang
Rapper’s Delight always brings up memories of trying to learn how to breakdance, poplock and do the robot. I’d watch my brother breakdance with his friends on rolled out linoleum on the sidewalk.
Son Tus Perjumenes Mujer by Los Tigres Del Norte
This was my dad’s favorite song. He would pretend to sing it to my mom and then grab her to dance in the living room interrupting whatever she was doing in the kitchen or in the house. While they dance as I would sing the lyrics at the top of my lungs making them both laugh.
La De La Mochila Azul by Pedrito Fernandez
My favorite Spanish song was La De La Mochila Azul. Pedrito Fernandez’s voice is amazing! I would pretend to be him while singing his song at the top of my lungs any chance I got.
Funkytown is mentioned in my book as we played it, over and over during a 25 hour road trip to Mazatlan. It was the only English language eight track cassette we had in the van. To this day, when I play this song when riding with my mom in my car, and she tries to sing it, I burst out laughing hearing her sing, "Funkytown" in her broken English.
Karma Chameleon by Culture Club
Boy George's make-up in Karma Chameleon would make me feel a certain way inside, I'd feel confused about why his make up and outfit gave me hope, that one day, I too could be like him and not give a fuck about about what people thought of me.
Girls Just Want To Have Fun by Cyndi Lauper
Cyndi Lauper's Girls Just Want to Have Fun would make me want to dance when I'd see the video on MTV. I'd get jealous that as a boy, I wasn't able to dance and twirl freely like her on the video.
The Greatest Love of All by Whitney Houston
Whitney’s, Greatest Love of All, came out right around the time of my sexual abuse. Chapters 2 and 3 were some of the write, re-read, and edit. This song along with a few others, kept me from killing myself no matter much I hated my life and wanted to give up. When I would hear Whitney singing the opening verse, I’d feel like she was singing it directly to me, telling me she believed in me.
We Are The World by USA For Africa
As corny as it sounds, USA for Africa's We Are The World, always fills me with joy in spite of the horrors I was feeling. I felt that every one of those famous singers actually cared for me as a child. As if they wanted me to survive and were going to make sure that kids like me woul done day have a better world to live in.
All Cried Out by Lisa Lisa & Cult Jam
I would play All Cried Out over and over. Her voice expressed the pain I felt inside as if she knew about the times I would cry in secret.
The lyrics of Madonna’s Live to Tell made me feel understood. I wanted to bad to scream to the world about the sexual abuse and everything that was happening, but couldn’t so I tried my best to hide it well.
Planet Rock by Africa Bambaataa & Soulsonic Force
Planet Rock was the song played at every house party and at every club in Tijuana. It was playing at the club in TJ where I got drunk for the very time as a 12 year old, which started me down a path of partying every weekend for years to come. There were so many genres of music - hip hop, gangster rap, freestyle, and the beginnings of house music.
The other song that would be played at all the clubs and house parties and could be heard booming from loud speakers from cars cruising the boulevard on Sundays was Atomic Dog. The beat is reminiscent of times long gone.
You Gots to Chill by EPMD mixed both hip hop and rap to Zapp's More Bounce to the Ounce which is a classic at any west coast party but also is reminds of a time when I was doing my hardest to be a tough, hypermasculine, wanna be gangster on the outside.
Part of Your World (Little Mermaid) 1989
I'm including this song because it was the first song in a cartoon that had me crying in a movie theatre when it came out. I tried so hard to hold back my tears but couldn’t. Part of Your World from the Little Mermaid represented to me how much I longed to be a part of the world and to live a different reality to the one I was living as opposed to being a sex worker. I saw this movie with my best friend, hence her name in the book. To this day, everyone who knows me and rides in car enough will eventually be forced to hear me blast a full volume the Little Mermaid Song.
Bang Your Head by Gravediggaz (1994)
The song that constantly comes to mind when I think of the fight in junior that changed my life forever is Bang Your Head by the Gravediggaz. I first heard this song years later, after I got clean and sober and hadn’t experienced an anxiety attack in quite some time. The lyrics, the beats, the sounds describe perfectly how I felt when my anxiety and panic attacks would begin with everything moving super fast and voices in my head yelling at me telling me I wasn’t shit. I’d want to bang my head to quiet the voices.
Amor Eterno by Juan Gabriel
Amor Eterno by Juan Gabriel is probably the most famous Mexican song played at every funeral. This song comes to mind because of the fear I felt of losing my mom when she had a heart attack. I blamed myself for her attack and feared that everything I had put her through, especially telling her I was being sexually abused, was going to kill her. I would play this song over the years to remind me to appreciate her while she is still alive.
I wanted so bad to be a good son but so engulfed in self hatred, rage and self-destruction that I took it out on everyone I loved most, especially my mom and didn’t understand why? What’s Up by 4 Non Blondes captures my desire of wanting something different but confused about why everything around me felt like it constantly crumbled.
House music was my escape for so long. I would disappear into the beats of the music while dancing next to loud speakers. My first night at Cal, a group of friends took me out and we partied all night, clean and sober. Follow Me was one of my favorite house beats that would make me smile as I danced.
Din Da Da by Kevin Aviance (1997)
Kevin Aviance’s Din Da Da reminds of me partying my first time in New York City at the Twilo and the Roxy until the early morning with friends who let me know that I can travel, go to school, and still have fun while being clean and sober.
Another house song reminiscent of the time of early house music.
I Need You To Survive by Hezekiah Walker
This song reminds me to hang in there during all those tough times and dark moments in my life that I did not recognize as moments of magic, turning points, when I was going through them. It also reminds me of all my friends that I’ve lost to AIDS over the years. When you read the book – you will understand why I picked I Need You To Survive by Hezekiah Walker.
Bianca Ryan's rendition of Say Something moved me in such a way that it reminds me of saying goodbye, admitting defeat, and throwing my hands up in the air to stop fighting – giving up in a positive way - which allows me to let go of trying to control everything. It reminds me that I’s okay to unlearn behaviors that hinder my growth.
Maybe God Is Trying to Tell You Something (From the Color Purple soundtrack)
Maybe God Is Trying to Tell You Something from the Color Purple – Come on! Who doesn’t love some Shug Avery! This songs ties into the chapters of self discovery with my higher reminding me to try on new experiences and have faith that HP won’t let me down. This song fills me with hope. It also reminds me of when I first saw the movie with my mom and dad in our tiny living room when I was a child. It was the first and only time I saw my dad tear up to a movie.
El Toro Y La Luna by Gypsy Kings
My first night in Spain, I also went out dancing (not in the book) and heard this song for the first time. It was such a trip how the bar went crazy with Spanish jumping all around singing to this song. This song is symbolic of my time in Marid.
Corazon Partio by Alejandro Sanz
Corazon Partio by Alejandro Sanz came out while I lived in Madrid. His lyrics and his ease with words are poetic magic. They encouraged me to open and finding new ways to express myself in Spanish.
Willie Chirino’s song Bongo reminds me of living in Cuba and how I learned to appreciate the various instruments played in Cuban son and salsa.
The Cuba chapters represent the ending and a new beginning for me. I thought I was going to Cuba for one thing but realized I was there for another. Cuba forced me to challenge my beliefs, my ideologies, and what I stood for. I left Cuba feeling reborn, leaving behind old ideas that were holding me back, allowing me to build myself anew. And, of course, the Afro-Cuban music, food, culture, and religions coupled with the resiliency of the Cuban people stays with me, reminding me not to give up. Maferefun Yemaya.
Probably one of the most magical experiences I had while at Harvard, not in my book, is the time I spent at the Passamaquoddy Reservation outside of East Port, Maine during the summer. I met a blind medicine man named David Gehue who took me under his wing. It was there, one evening, around a fire that I heard for the first time, a group of woman from the Wabanaki Confederacy sing the Mi’kmaq Honor Song. This is a beautiful song that I play on the regular in honor of my ancestors.
Every Praise by Hezekiah Walker
I included Hezekiah Walker’s song Every Praise because my journey includes healing through music and reminds me to honor my higher power, regardless of religious dogma or spiritual beliefs. This is one of the biggest blessings I’ve received through recovery.
Celine Dion - Because You Loved Me
I included Celine Dion’s Because You Loved Me as an acknowledgement for all the people who loved me unconditionally and supported me in my journey.
The Chi Lites - I Want To Pay You Back (For Loving Me)
My final feel good song of gratitude and love. Thanks everyone!
Jesse Leon is a social impact consultant to foundations and investors on ways to address issues of substance abuse/addiction, affordable housing, and mental health. He is a native English and Spanish speaker and fluent in Portuguese. He is an alum of UC Berkeley and Harvard and based in San Diego.
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