Aug Stone’s Sporting Moustaches is a book both absurdly entertaining and informative.
Vol. 1 Brooklyn wrote of the book:
“Aug Stone explores the absurd place where sports and facial hair collide, and it’s like nothing you’ve read before.”
In his own words, here is Aug Stone’s Book Notes music playlist for his book Sporting Moustaches:
Stream the playlist on Apple Music
HOCKEY
1 – The Police – Synchronicity II. Arguably my favorite Police song. I love Andy Summer’s guitar playing on this and the unique way the song moves along through itself. The idea of synchronicity is mentioned in the very first line of the story, the first ice hockey game on March 4, 1875 and the events of a family gathering the next day setting a course for the young Gordon Mathieu’s life. That name sounded French-Canadian enough to me, and offers a reference to Gordie Howe, but I also relished the opportunity to bestow on my main character Sting’s first given two names and allow me some Police puns along the way.
BASEBALL
2 – The Birthday Party – Release The Bats. Can’t have a baseball story without mentioning bats. And besides the wooden variety, it was fun to work into the story references to Bela Lugosi and the possibility that the restaurant the team hangs out at might be run by vampires. I love this song. Such a great bassline. Incredibly fun to dance to.
3 – Sarolta Zalatnay – Itt a Nyár. The story deals with the idea of good luck charms and their inverse – curses. Cleveland has a quite famous sports curse, and a large Hungarian population so I thought I could include offensive team names as well. The minor league team in the story are dealing with their owners changing their name from the Magyars to the Goulash. Sarolta Zalatnay is my favorite Hungarian singer and this tune rocks with wild abandon. I can imagine that riff kicking in as Barry Bajusz races to steal home. I discovered Sarolta through the Finders Keepers compilation that came in 2007. The cover photo is so awesome, definitely worth looking up.
FOOTBALL
4 – The Qualities – It’s Christmas Time. Sun Ra is known for his out-there music and persona, but whenever I hear this one it always blows my mind even more that it is also Sun Ra. Referencing Burt Reynolds, his tasche and multiple football movies, I have the coach in the football story hail from Jupiter, Florida, just like Mr. Reynolds. Coach Jaspers is a bit of an oddball and draws up his plays based on the music of Stravinsky and Sun Ra. Sun Ra of course claimed to come from Saturn. The story finishes at The Cannon Bowl which would take place in the appropriate time of year for this tune.
5 – Burt Reynolds – As Me What I Am. Did you know Burt Reynolds released a solo album on Mercury Records in 1973? I was overjoyed when I found this out and have been looking for this in record shops for years now. This is the title track, which ties into the main theme of the story as Coach Jaspers feels facial hair expresses unique characteristics of the individual that the new helmet regulations of the 40s will suppress.
6 – Supersuckers – Creepy Jackalope Eye. The previous two tunes don’t quite capture the energy of a football game though so here’s one that does. I was thrilled to be reminded of this song, which I listened to a lot back in 1995. Jupiter College’s football team in the story is called The Fighting Jackrabbits. Jackalope? Close enough.
BASKETBALL
7. The Replacements – Left Of The Dial. As the initial basketball hoops were made from peach baskets, I had Bartholomew Jordan’s family hail from Georgia. More often than not, whenever I hear the word ‘Georgia’ I immediately think of Left Of The Dial’s ‘sweet Georgia breezes’ line. This song never fails to give me chills, all the emotion packed into those guitars, Paul Westerberg’s voice, and Tommy Stinson’s descending bassline at the end, and is one of the best songs ever written about one’s hopes and dreams being in a band.
8. Ramones – R.A.M.O.N.E.S. The Jordans may come from Georgia, but Bart grows up in Massachusetts, attending Agawam College near Springfield, where James Naismith invented basketball. It was at Riverside Amusement Park, now Six Flags, in Agawam that I saw the Ramones on one of their farewell tours in 1995. My abiding memory of that day is loving when they played Motorhead’s tribute to them with C.J. singing.
CHESS
9. The Go-Go’s – We Got The Beat. Back around 2006, my friend Reggie Chamberlain-King released an EP called White Noise Can’t Jump by his band The Go-Gols. I took this idea and went with it in the chess story, where a competitor claims to have found an unpublished work by Gogol, all about Russian farming, entitled We Got The Beet. I used a variant of this joke in my previous book, The Ballad Of Buttery Cake Ass, with the lines “Maybe if I was Gogol or Carlisle I could do justice to the ultimately wonder-tinged despair of it all. But I’m not.” Yes, I know it’s not very obvious there.
10. David Devant & His Spirit Wife – Here Come The Imposters. The chess story was inspired by the real life events of the 1978 World Chess Championship, where the contestants accused each other of using black magic and psychic warfare. In my story, when Igly shows up wearing a fake beard, an outraged Usy stands up and yells “Imposter!” David Devant & His Spirit Wife are one of my all-time favorite bands, and one I feel everyone should know. They have an enormous sense of fun and melody, with clever lyrics as well. A great description of them comes from their singer, The Vessel, talking to the NME in 1996 – “Somewhere around 1973, pop could have gone somewhere else, and I think that we are at the end of one of those corridors that has been neglected.” Imposters comes from their second album, Shiny On The Inside, which is a bit darker than their normal fare, but one of the all-time greats.
TUG OF WAR
11. Pantherman – Pantherman. In 2009, Excelsior Recordings released an awesome 24 song compilation of Nederglam (Dutch glam rock) called Clap Your Hands and Stamp Your Feet. Some killer songs on there, especially this one. The Tug Of War story – ‘Putting The ‘Ache’ In Moustache’ – takes place in upstate New York, in the fictional Dutch-named towns of Arnhem and Zeeland. After a new zoning law comes into play, there is a dispute as to which district the local gentlemen’s haircutting salon belongs, as the property line goes right thru the shop. Residents decide to settle the matter by a tug of war, in which the men of the town tie their moustaches into the rope. Ouch. Pantherman definitely captures that tension.
I wanted to include Siouxsie & The Banshees’ Tearing Apart and Van Dyke Parks’ Opportunity For Two but neither are currently on Apple Music in the US.
Tearing Apart for having facial hair tied to the contest rope. The first two lines really sum it up – “I know it’s all a game, I know they’re all insane.”
And in keeping with the Dutch theme I was thrilled to be able to call the field where the match takes place Van Dyke Park. While the jubilance of the tune doesn’t match the struggle, it does evoke the festival atmosphere in which it takes place
BADMINTON
12. Walter Wegmüller – Der Hohepriester. For years now, I’ve said that when I finally settle down and find somewhere I want to live, the first thing I’m going to do is buy a nice hi-fi system, procure Walter Wegmüller’s 1973 double Krautrock LP Tarot, and just spend an afternoon in a comfortable chair in front of the speakers. I named our bearded badminton hero William Wegmuller in honor of this. Plus to get as many W’s in as possible, as will become clear in the text.
13. Pulp – The Birds In Your Garden. Wegmuller’s beard is so thick, birds come to nest in it, and soon incorporate themselves into his game. An opportunity for more Burt Reynolds references as well, Wegmuller’s new avian friends taking the names of characters from Smokey & The Bandit. There’s a love theme to the story too, all of which put me in mind of this song. I love the guitar hits – ‘hold her’ (stab) ‘kiss her’ (stab)…
I also wanted QueenAdreena’s lovely Birdnest Hair, but again not on Apple Music in the US. Too bad, Katie Jane Garside is such an amazing artist.
ARCHERY
14. Bee Gees – I’ve Gotta Get A Message To You. In the archery story, Derek ‘Bo’ Beauman’s grandfather, Errol Archer, starts the world’s first dating app, FLINT, back in 18th century England, delivering ‘texts’ to young lovers via bow and arrow.
15. The Standells – Dirty Water. A mishap occurs in a village, allowing me a nice PG Wodehouse allusion with a pig, and Errol is forced to relocate to the New World. Grandson Bo resumes the family business in the greater Boston area which let me reference the famous Standells line about ‘frustrated women’ and those early curfews. I lived in Boston for 10 years where this song was played weekly at Mod Night, the 60s and Britpop night we’d go to at The Common Ground.
Three-Faced Race
16. Paul Haig – Running Away. One of my favorite Sly Stone songs, and his version is so good. But Paul Haig’s cover suits better the new wave career the fops who instigated the ‘three-faced race’ go on to have in the 80s with their band The Low Brows. The Three-Faced Race is a take on the three-legged race, where instead of appendages tied together, participants are secured by their moustaches.
17. David Bowie – Rubber Band. The Low Brows encore with a cover of this set to a disco beat. Alluding to a less painful way of tying things together. Bowie here at his most Jacques Brel. And reminding me of Philip Jeays, an artist I highly recommend checking out.
Speed Skating
18. Gino Paoli – Sapore Di Sale. When my mother’s family went to Italy in the ’60s, this song was ubiquitous. She and my aunt bought the 45 to bring home and it has been a family favorite ever since. Along with Kyu Sakamoto’s ‘Sukiyaki’, us singing along to this non-English song brought some strange looks from me and my sisters’ friends growing up. The tune totally fits this story though as its lyrics – opening line ‘a taste of salt, a taste of the sea’ – denote the water our Italian speed skating and swimming hero can’t tear himself away from.
19. The Beatles – I Am The Walrus. Vincenzo Valentino is so obsessed with his initials that he fashions both his moustache and chest hair into V shapes. I was pretty pleased too to get this Thomas Pynchon reference in there. The two V’s align to form a diamond, but after he emerges from the water, they bulge, more egg-shaped than jewel. His girlfriend Volpina literally quotes these lyrics at him.
20. The Jesus & Mary Chain – Cracking Up. Afterwards, Villoso, as he is known (Italian – ‘hairy’), continues to shave the letter into both back and chest hair, but begins to be haunted by a Humpty Dumpty-esque apparition. Causing much psychic distress.
AIR HOCKEY
21. Black Sabbath – War Pigs. The story begins in the summer of 1984, where after an amazing air hockey display by Hans Freeman controlling the paddle simply with his moustache, the gang at Wolfeboro Rec head out to the parking lot and pop Black Sabbath’s Paranoid cassette into the boombox. That album’s opening track gains deeper significance when, due to his unusual style of play, Freeman undergoes surgery to replace his spine with that of a pig’s in order to continue to compete.
22. John Cougar – Jack & Diane. A tune that seems to sum up that early-mid 80s era. I named Hans’ main rival Jack Melon and his girlfriend, at least when the story opens, Diane Campbell.
GOLF
23. The Kinks – Arthur. It was great fun to describe the interior of Arthur’s Preservation Affiliates antique shop via references to the lyrics of one of the best songs ever written, ‘The Village Green Preservation Society’. Mixing in further ideas from The Kinks’ follow-up record Arthur (Or The Decline And Fall Of The British Empire) such as a move to Australia, and naming Arthur Lomax’s sons, Ray and Dave. Plus I love that guitar riff.
24. Guided By Voices – A Salty Salute. Especially since this is for Largehearted Boy, it would be remiss to make a playlist without some GBV. Choosing this one for the iconic line ‘The Club Is Open’, as the tale-within-the-tale centers upon two 15th Century knights – Robert The Hopeful and Ted Of Comfort – coming across a mythical stick known as ‘The Cavern Club’.
DRINKING
25. Van Halen – Bottoms Up!. It would also never do for me to make a playlist without some Van Halen, the band that had me truly fall in love with music back in the early 80s. I’m sure for them ‘bottoms’ has more than one meaning here, but with regards to my story it’s simply about The Hair Of The Dog Drinking Competition where players tie their moustaches to shotglasses and hoist away.
26. The Butterflies Of Love – Leaving When I’m Done Drinking. A brilliant closing tune by The Butterflies Of Love, who hailed from New Haven, CT, near me. Evoking the morning light carnage of a night well-spent heaving brimming spirits into one’s face via handlebar, imperial, walrus, or whatever moustache style you fancy.
Aug Stone is a writer, musician, & comedian. His 2023 novel, The Ballad Of Buttery Cake Ass, was one of Vulture’s Best Comedy Books Of The Year. Aug is also author of the memoir Nick Cave’s Bar and the comedy novel Off-License To Kill, and his journalism has appeared in The Quietus, The Comics Journal, Under The Radar, and many more sites and magazines. Aug was a founding member of H Bird and The Soft Close-Ups, and has played in countless other bands. He performs comedy as absurdist stream-of-consciousness raconteur, Young Southpaw.