Mallory Smart’s I Keep My Visions to Myself is a vividly entertaining LA coming-of-age novel.
“The Day of the Locust by Nathanial West and Ask the Dust by John Fante for the post-Covid world. A brutally realistic journey of a Los Angeles dreamer. The story of Stevie, a young woman who is on the cusp of success as a musician, but the possibility of this new success causes an existential crisis in her soul … It is the kind of story where nothing really happens, but inside that nothing the biggest choices are being made.”
I Keep My Visions to Myself is total literary fiction and a departure from my typical writing. I didn’t pilfer from my personal life at all which made listening to music such a necessity while writing it. It’s always been a way for me to escape my own thoughts and inhabit a different world. Having a playlist for this novel is even more pivotal because it focuses on an offbeat musician during a week that can define the rest of her life. Through humor, surrealism, and emotional depth it follows Stevie, a 26-year-old musician, who typically spends her days working at a record store and her nights playing gigs with her band that has just been offered the chance to go on tour. She grapples with the idea of success and what to do with it. The names of all 13 chapters in the novel are lyrics to songs that I felt fit the mood of them best.
So here are the chapter names, the songs that they coincide with, and everything else.
1. Don’t do anything at all: White Rabbit by Jefferson Airplane
This is one of the most obvious choices. I wrote this in chronological order and immediately wanted to jump into that other world. It’s also one of the more abstract chapters in the novel. There are a few chapters that delve into a more surreal state of mind but this was the first to go there and I wanted the reader to enter into that slowly, like I did while writing it. White Rabbit was the obvious choice because it was one of the formative songs that I listened to that gave that trippy vibe.
2. Your opiate is the air that you breathe: Radio Ethiopia by Patti Smith
Here I depart from the dreamscape of the previous chapter and enter the real world which is a day job at a record store. My first experiences at record stores consisted of pretentious employees who seemed like they fell right out of High Fidelity. Although this isn’t a pretentious song for me now, as a teenager it was, which made the vibe of it fit so well when first introducing Stevie’s feelings about unloved music and dislike of people who dismiss music just because it’s mainstream. It’s also the exact song that would be playing in the background if this novel were a movie.
3. Above all the lights: Hollywood Nights by Bob Seger
4. I laid up for hours in a daze: Hollywood Forever Cemetery Sings by Father John Misty
At this point, I have to admit that I was passively listening to music while writing, and these songs dictated the direction I was going in. The novel is deeply rooted in a character being lost in Hollywood’s maze and is deeply introspective about it. The feelings of apathy in a fast-paced city are deeply felt in both of these.
5. Strange, you never knew: Fade Into You by Mazzy Star
The mood of this song is so real for me. It gives off an almost dissociative vibe. The main character is so detached from reality, identity, and the people she loves. This song is the kind of song that would be living rent free in her mind. It definitely was in mine while writing it.
6. Mirror in the Sky: Landslide by Fleetwood Mac
A book about a character named Stevie who has such deep emotional ties to Fleetwood Mac wasn’t going to miss a chance to mention it and live within a song of theirs. The title comes from Dreams so I felt a need to pivot into something different. Something more soulful. Stevie Nicks wrote it around the same age as the main character and she did it while also splitting her time between a day job and a music career.
7. Anyone who’s had a dream: Sweet Jane by Cowboy Junkies
8. The secrets I do not know: Innocent and Vain by Nico
9. This city desert makes you feel so cold: Baker Street by Gerry Lafferty
All three of these songs have to be grouped together because the story picks up pace so much and becomes almost a blur. I also was feeling that way while writing it at this point. Besides, who can pass up the chance to pick such a scattered array of songs that all give life to Hollywood and not the people who reside in it? They give the location of the book a character of its own which is something I always liked the idea of. Again, these all would be banger songs on a soundtrack for a movie adaptation and the ethereal sound of each of them gives a consistent feeling of desolation.
10. I had to stop for the night: Hotel California by Eagles
This chapter is inspired by Cecil Hotel which is also the inspiration for the song, Hotel California. The hotel again acts like a character in itself and the history of Cecil Hotel provided the backdrop that the character so desperately needed at that time. She wanted to be no one at that moment and disappear. Cecil Hotel has a reputation for odd happenings, suicide, and even serial killers staying there. It’s the kind of place where one can go and taste of the void.
11. Inside you the time moves: The Ghost in You by The Psychedelic Furs
12. We’ve seen how strange things can get at night: Pacific Coast Highway by Kavinsky
Two other songs that needed to be paired together because the chapters that they represent play off each other. This is a breaking point that leads to a moment of clarity and release. The faded emotions felt in the Ghost in You directly leads to the cathartic release of them in Pacific Coast Highway. Both deal with the idea of being haunted but the second gives hope that there may be a way out of it. There is also something very visceral about literally driving your feelings away and speeding past your problems.
13. I’ll just sit tight, in the shadows of the night: Telephone Line by ELO
The final chapter and song that I played on repeat several times for days. At the heart of this story is loss. Loss of self. Loss of meaning. And even loss of love. This has always been a dorky favorite of mine when I think of that last feeling. It drones on in a way that you can live in and if you put it on repeat, it feels like it never ends. Just a loop of feelings buried inside that you can’t seem to get out. A plea for someone who knows those feelings to help you get there. This chapter focuses on that “someone” who is mentioned throughout the novel but isn’t truly present until they finally pick up their telephone.